It is a very odd thing that I can be such a stranger to myself. How can I become such a different person without even realizing it? I woke up this morning with the realization that I didn’t remember the last time I prayed. Oh, sure, I bowed my head in church, I worshiped as I sang, I sent up ‘flare prayers’ now and then, but when was the last time I got alone with the God of the universe, seriously interceding and communing with Him? And how could I have possibly gotten out of that habit? Especially when you consider that several rather difficult things have happened lately, and that I’ve started a new Bible study that has probed very deep and prompted good thoughts and conversation. How does one discuss the concepts of God, worry about circumstances, and yet go along in private life without ever falling flat out and discussing it with the only One who can answer all those questions?
Maybe it’s been a week, maybe a month. I really have no idea. Because when I, in the midst of my morning brain fog, dedicated my day to the Lord and asked Him to do with it as He will, it felt unfamiliar. Something that was once a habit has become a dimly-remembered curiosity. The realization was shocking and disturbing. How did I fall so completely, so quickly, and so far?
Saturday night I read quickly through a Psalm and noticed “God spoke to them in the pillar of cloud.” I absently thought how odd it was that it mentioned the cloud, but not the fire. I mulled that in the back of my brain for a couple days, thinking there was more to that picture, and finally wrote down my thoughts. Even then, it was an intellectual exercise, an interesting concept.
Only this morning, as I realized my prayerlessness, did I realize that I haven’t been seeking GOD. I haven’t been searching the various clouds of my life, looking for His direction. I have a tendency to be sidetracked by knowledge and fascinating tidbits, and I was getting lost in the words and the mechanics, enjoying a romp through the scripture without genuinely pursuing the One who wrote it.
Abba, forgive me for my hard heart, for going through the motions and talking the talk while forgetting You. I know that my life recently has been a shallow façade, that I have felt empty and powerless and dry, and it makes sense now. I haven’t been begging you to fill me!
On this grey, rainy day where the sky is completely covered with clouds, help me to see You. Help me to know your will, Lord, and guide my steps through this wilderness. Lift me up from the heavy sand that pulls at my feet, direct me away from the mirage that lures with empty promise, but fades away to meaninglessness as I approach it. Lead me to Your living fountain, Lord, and fill me up. Fill me with You.
I need You, Abba, for every step. Every single step.