The writing program we’re doing for school this year emphasizes just jumping in. He calls it Doing It Okay. There’s no pressure to get it right—just get something down…anything! It’s only the first step, and you’re not expected to have a finished product.
But the thing that really amazed me was when he talked about procrastination. Since I am one of the world’s worst procrastinators, that got my attention. I hate the fact that I shove things back until they are unavoidable. I hate what I do, but I keep doing it! I’ve never thought of it as an excuse, but his explanation was this: if we perform poorly, then we can tell ourselves, “Oh, well, I was just too rushed. If I’d had more time, I could have done a better job.” It all boils down to fear. I’m afraid that I can’t do an excellent job, so I wait until I hardly have time to do it at all. Then I can reassure myself that I certainly could have done better.
It’s a whole new thought to me. I wonder if this is what’s going on in the dark recesses of my brain, and why I have such a hard time doing things ahead of time? So many, many times, I have determined that THIS time I will do better, this time I will start earlier, this time I will NOT wait until the last minute.
And so many times I have, once again, come skidding in just as the door closes, just as the bell rings, just as the clock lurches toward the deadline.
Am I making excuses? Deep inside, am I actually afraid that I can’t do the job as well as I want to, so I sabotage myself? I wonder.
dayuntoday 
I didn’t realize we had this in common. I’m kinda relieved to not be alone in this. In late Spring the Holy Spirit (I believe) began to show me how unbelief was behind a lot of the things I do not do, and I believe unbelief often looks like fear. It’s pretty intense—and fascinating. Especially, now that I know it’s not just me. I mean, I have said those exact same things. I have asked myself 200 times WHY DO I WAIT TO THE LAST MINUTE? I hate being late. And, I hate more not doing my best.
Now, I have also recognized another reason I procrastinate. Tell me if you can relate: I find that I put off things, because the anticipated end bores me, or I am afraid of being bored once that things is done. What will I have to look forward to then? It’s ridiculous, because there is always something to do. I am working very hard to overcome this terrible mentality, and unbelief. I hate it, and I fear it will be a terminally bad example for my daughter.
Caroline, thanks for sharing this weirdness with me! 🙂 It has been such a drag on my life, one that I have been so frustrated with, and as you said, I worry about the effects on my children. It is discouraging to fight this weakness for so many years and have so little to show for it! I just have to trust that, through my struggles and journey to (hopefully) eventual victory, I am imparting something that is valuable in another way.
I’m not sure about the boredom factor, but it does make perfect sense to me.
i will have to start watching for that, because I wonder if maybe I have that same issue….