Deformed Desire

 

 13When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; 14but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. 15Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.

                                                    ~  James 1:13-15

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The New American Commentary defines epithumia (“evil desire” in James 1:14) as “deformed desire.” 

Let that phrase settle on you for a minute.

You see, that’s what I had.  Deformed desire.  In my own pit-jumping (as opposed to pit-slipping), I often ended up doing exactly what I set out to do…what at that moment or in that season I thought I wanted to do…

I had thought of my heart as only sinful.  I didn’t realize that deeper still, underneath that film of soil, my heart was sick.  One of the most important shifts in my belief system began with the realization that I had a messed up “want to.”  My desires were tremendously unhealthy.  Self-destructive.  In the language of the New American Commentary, I had “deformed desires.”

                                                     ~  Beth Moore in Get Out of That Pit

 

Somehow that makes so much sense to me.  “Evil” desires sort of sounds as if you just want to be bad, and I so often have good intentions, and think that this time I will do better….I really want to be good, but then before I know it— boom, there I am back in the pit, cursing myself for my weakness.

But “deformed?”  …yeah, that’s more like it.  I’m warped.  I find myself doing things that I know perfectly well are not the best for me, simply because I want the fleeting enjoyment that it brings at that moment.  Like eating several handfuls of M&Ms even when I know that unadulterated sugar makes me feel like something the cat dragged up and laid on the doorstep.  Or like reading a good book or reading xanga sites , even when I know that I have work that must be done or I will be very sorry.  And the guilt that it brings doesn’t always bring me back into line.

Yeah, that’s warped.  I, like Beth, have a messed up “want to.” 

 

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About dayuntoday

I'm a wonderer. I spend a lot of time mulling, pondering, and cogitating. This is just a place to park some of those thoughts.
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3 Responses to Deformed Desire

  1. proudmom87 says:

    I think we all do from time to time. We are so in need of God’s grace.

  2. homefire says:

    @proudmom87 – Yes, I think you’re right.  But it’s SO frustrating!

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